I've never opened up to anyone apart from close family about the fact I suffer with anxiety. I've suffered for probably going on about 7 years now, if not more. When I had Poppy and was going through court proceedings with her dad, I felt like I needed to keep it from becoming public knowledge even more, felt like he'd use it against me unfairly. Why would I be made to feel like that? Having social anxiety doesn't make me any less of a mum. Not once has Poppy suffered as a result. I guess it just feels good to open up about something that affects ME in such a big way.
I remember the first time I experienced the symptoms of what happens when my anxiety strikes. I had started a new job and was working between 2 people who I knew didn't like me, giving eachother glances, taking the piss, I was living somewhere at this point where I was hated simply because of where I came from, my northern accent. This huge feeling of paranoia and anxiety washed over me, my body felt stiff and as though my movements weren't fluid, particularly from my shoulders upwards. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. Started sweating and getting palpitations. Felt like people were looking at me because of it. It resulted in a dreadful headache and drained me of energy. Since this day onwards I have suffered on an ongoing basis. It seems to be worse when I'm out on my own but also strikes when I have company too.
I didn't understand what was wrong at first but after years and years I finally went to the doctors who referred me to a councillor who said I was suffering with social anxiety. Because I had dealt with it on my own for such a long time, I didn't feel the councelling helped at all. It's just something I deal with myself, in my own head. After I had Poppy I was forced into even more social situations which can still be very hard but it made me deal with my anxiety head on. I had a reason to force myself into doing things, my little girl needed me to be stronger than ever!
My only coping strategy tends to be food. When I come in from a situation that has filled me with anxiety, I'm usually tired and have a headache so I usually comfort myself that way. I hope someone else might possibly read this who feels as I do and know they're not alone or strange for feeling this way.
Thanks for reading,
Laura xx
